I've discovered friendships I never realised I had. I've discovered I don't have friendships that I thought I had or at the very least they've become dramatically redefined or were not what I thought they were.
The foundation of relationships are all the same in my opinion regardless of the nature of the relationship. Whether it's romantic, family, acquaintances, colleagues or close friends, they all are founded on the premise of communication, honesty and boundaries. Of course there are different dynamics going on depending on the type of relationship. You certainly aren't going to interact with a colleague the same as you would you boyfriend/husband but essentially they all have the same foundation.
What I've realised is, not all these factors exist in my relationships, in some cases, not at all and I've had the painful realisation that some were just mirages and not the refreshing oasis I thought they were.
I've learned so much this season on what not to do, to create boundaries and grieve some losses in some cases and breathe a sigh of relief in others realising they weren't life giving. It's painful letting go though and for some I haven't quite unhooked myself, still hoping for change.
What I have learned though is "sorry" is just a word that can be used flippantly and without substance. It's a go to word for us all at times. But what makes this word have impact? I've been pondering this about how I haven't felt the need for apologies from some, yet for others they could apologise until the cows come home and it didn't impact my heart the same.
Quite recently I had the opportunity to resolve something historical from years and years ago. Something that was done on me and now I had the person in front of me offering their apology, and I didn't need it. On recounting the story in brief to someone pastorally, they asked me why I didn't think I was worth an apology. I couldn't articulate at that time why I didn't need an apology, but I can now. It wasn't because I didn't think I was worth it or that they shouldn't offer it. It was because they "wore" their apology. I could see they were truly sorry and they demonstrated that in how they spoke to me, interacted with and were intentional about building bridges with me. The evidence was clear and backed up their words 100% and I realised that was why the other apologies didn't seem to impact, because no behaviour change was evident. In those cases it felt empty, a thing that was supposed to be given but one without demonstration. The same behaviour that originally needed an apology continued which rendered their words to be without substance and were essentially just noise.... The clanging cymbal from 1 Cor 13.
I was also self aware enough to realise that I perhaps have been a clanging cymbal at times too. It's impossible to say that we all haven't at times.
I don't know what roots or fruit this is producing in me by the realisation but maybe it's a start to more healthy and life giving relationships and I guess it's a time for practicing what I've learned and trying to get better at it making sure my "sorries" when needed are backed up with action that demonstrates a change of heart.
So, I've started to count the blessings of true friendship and acknowledge those people as my cheerleaders in the same way I hope I am for them.
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